The openly creative personality is always an inner directed personality. It is one which is constantly trying to describe or express something in itself which has no name--only an urge to write, to put brush to canvas, to make, to dance, to fashion, to establish, to understand, to create, or to love.

Few of us really feel creative any more, even those of us in the creative arts. We create for others, for income, for an employer, for a client. We are employees--not artists. Our creative spark serves another than the spirit within ourselves. So we are used to feeling blocked, routine, ordinary, or unaccustomed to serving our own needs. In serving another for commercial purposes, we lost the ability to serve the creative fire itself, that spark which was unique within us from the beginning, that one thing which, as children, wanted to fly, to sing, to create. We've surrendered that spark to organizations whose purpose it is to make a profit, generate money, build an economic empire.

In the process, we've veneered over the top of our original innocence and childhood curiosity layers of armoring due to living in insecurity and loss of self. In the processs, we too often lost our feeling of self-confidence, self-appreciation, self-empowerment, and self-love necessary to live from our own center. So we now follow someone else's orders, doing someone else's assignment, making money for someone else, making someone's else's needs higher than our own. And in so doing, we've lost the feeling of being fully and passionately alive, playful about our work, and living from the heart rather than the mind! We've forgotten how the creative spark is really about expressing our own true self and individual uniqueness.

The journey to reverse this loss of the fire of life is to take the journey back to our original uniqueness, our individuality, our freedom, our courage, and our own hearts' desire . Julia Cameron, author of The Artist's Way, insists that the Way back to our lost creativity is a spiritual path--spiritual in the sense that the spark of creativity within must be recognized as your very own spirit and essence. The way back is a spiritual path.

The Artist is that energy which uniquely articulates the special quality of a person whose life work has been to discover him or her self. The archetype of The Artist, manifesting, inspires its needer to heights of folly and passion in the name of creation.

To invoke the Artist is to invite the spiritual journey to the Self, with all that entails-the fall into night, the shadow work, the discovery and work of coming to terms with the sexual androgeny of the mind and the potential for manic-depressive episodes and self-destructive compulsiveness. What we are unaware of is that we find our creative spark in the darkness--not in the ordinary life we've left behind. We find it in the lost parts of ourselves rejected through the years and forgotten, in the childhood wishes we repressed because they were not practical in the business world. We find it in the playful attitudes and childhood interests long forgotten and relegated to our dreams each night.

Julia Cameron's method of invoking each person's creativity and "inner artist" is to initiate them on their spiritual path towards an expression of inner uniqueness--a true Path with Heart. She recognized how we are all recovering addicts--compulsively repeating our self-denying patterns of behavior and denying our dreams at society's insistence--all based on fear, guilt, shame, anger, depression, jealousy of our fellows, and envy of others more economically successful than us.

The Artist demands from us our most positive emotions, the dedication of a contented heart, the disciplined mind of a focused and relaxed choreographer.

Because we are all injured and recovering addicts, Cameron takes her aspiring artists through a 12 Step Program of Recovery, as if we were alcoholics, drug addicts, or sex addicts! She calls these 12 Steps her 12 Week program.

Her 12 Step Program of the Artist's Way include:

1. Recovering our sense of safety so that we can deal with our fear of trying, of taking a risk, of failing, and of abandoning our old life where we are conditioned to feel safe.

2. Recovering our ability to see ourselves as a creative person instead of the follower life we've created for ourselves.

3. Recovering the lost power we once felt to achieve our dreams.

4. Recovering the sense that, not only can we do what we dream about, but we can do it honorably and with integrity. To cheat or shortchange ourselves in the pursuit of our inner artist is to compromise on our will to become the best we can be.

5. Recognizing how we sabotage ourselves for reasons we refuse to admit to ourselves. It can be frightening to really commit to ourselves to pursue self expression to the very end. Knowing how much of an effort it will take, how much of ourselves we are exposing to criticism or the disapproval of others. We too often don?t want to succeed too much. That commands too much responsibility from us, too much letting go of our expectations that others will do it for us or look after us or take responsibility for our succeeding.

6. Recovering a sense of abundance, we have to accept that there is a price for choosing ourselves over giving ourselves away to others. Spiritual rewards and emotional satisfaction are often the very things which are missing from our current uncreative lives. When we lose touch with who we are and abandon our internal creative impulse, we soon begin to lose the feeling of being fully alive, of feeling our heart, of feeling any ownership for what we produce. We become business people, administrators, bureaucrats, workers, "commercial or graphic artists," designers, and technicians rather than creators.

7. Recovering our intimacy connecting with other people, instead of competing, or spinning in jealousy or envy of more successful people financially or creatively, or in self-rejection from despair at our own unworthy abilities.

8. Recovering a sense of strength, endurance, and patience. Treating ourselves with gentleness and patience instead of obsessively or ruthless driving ourselves too hard. When we slip, we can forgive ourselves instead of blaming ourselves; we can learn from every mistake or misstep rather than bouncing from one thing to another frantically trying to find something we might do. Instead of going in circles or going in all directions at once, we can focus, relax and settle down to persistently work in a single direction on one thing.

9. Recovering a sense of compassion for ourselves as a real and imperfect human being by dropping perfectionism, idealized goals, and unrealistic objectives; and adopt a grounded and down to earth attitude towards our creative goals and projects.

10. Recovering a sense of self-protection so that we are not self-destructive about our seeking of spiritual rewards for our artistic efforts. All spiritual seeking can be emotionally or psychologically damaging if ego-driven or if our sense of self-worth has been invested in being successful. Artists are never mature creators until they've conquered their own inner demons which hold them prisoner to their art. When the art owns the artist, serious trouble lies ahead. Mature artists express themselves through their art and avoid destructive emotional or psychological spirals into mental illness or emotional destructiveness. The artist, after all, is not required to die or become ill for their art--only to express it faithfully.

11. Recovering a sense of autonomy, independence, and freedom to follow our own dreams; free from economic threat, persecution, and self-sacrifice. Every artist must sooner or later pays the price of freedom in solitude and having to make one's own choices. Loss of economic security well may be part of the price of following one's own dreams, so the aspiring creator may well have to consider the price of living with the cost of ones own choices.

12. Recovering faith in our self. Living in the flow of creative imagination is to rest in the mystery of Creation and the Life Force itself. Regaining faith in ones self depends on our ability to trust in that mystery and invisible power which we know as God.

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Guardian of Ancient Languages and Alphabets,
Polarity and Balance, Creativity,
Death and Rebirth,
Magic of Writing,
Gentleness with Strength.
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Spider has long had symbolic meanings in many cultures through history. To Native Americans, spider's archetypal form was Spider Woman, a trickster immortal who might help the seeker or devour her. Often, the seeker must pass a test or answer a riddle before Spider Woman decides whether the seeker is to be helped in her quest or eaten for lunch.
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In India, Spider symbolized the Laws of Cause and Effect. Her webs held humans fast in their illusions (Maya) until their learned that their own actions had caused their painful life experiences. Once learned, Seekers found her need was kindness, and they discovered their Dharma.
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Her eight legs speak of the Mayan Twenty Count, where Eight is the number of the Laws of Cycles and the Book of Life. When we have lessons written in our Books of Life, they are karmic requirements. So when Spider lays down the Law, we must listen and do as she tells us. The Seasons of our Lives have their time. We must accept the natural cycles of birth, existence and death.
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Spider teaches us that everything we do has consequences which may carry well beyond this life. Do No Harm is Her Lesson.
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Spider wove the web of the Universe. When morning first came to the Universe, the dew drops glistened on her web in the dawning sky, and the First People named the points of light in the skies “Stars.” She was called First Creator for many Aeons.
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Spider symbolizes three magics: The magic and energy of Creation, the magic of writing, and the Magic of the Spiral or Labyrinth.
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Spider is the Guardian of ancient languages and alphabets. In old myths, letters were created from the patterns and angles in spider webs. Spider gives the gift of writing which can catch others in their webs of thought and emotion.
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Possibly because the female of the species sometimes eats the male after mating, Spider has been associated in some myths with Death and Rebirth. She is also associated with the Moon.
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In her dark aspect, Spider is associated with murder and horror. Out of mankind’s primal past, an image has also come which causes both men and women to recoil in terror at the touch or close proximity of Spider. Spider reminds us how we too once were prey of animals which ate us.
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If spider has come into your life, you should ask yourself: are you caught in a web of karmic issues? Do you keep holding onto the things in life you shouldn’t? Are you in pain because you can’t let go of losing and winning? Do you need to spin a new web of dreams and life directions? Do you blame others for your not getting your needs met? If so, call on Spider to aid you. To find Her, you will need to go down into dark places within yourself to find your own answers to your frustrated needs. Spider often also brings the gift of writing; do you need to write?

These days, Westerners find themselves, like Alice in “Through the Looking Glass”, running faster and faster only to stand still. We spend our first quarter of life preparing to live, our second quarter of life attempting to build “the good life”, the third quarter of life wondering how the good life became a nightmare, and the fourth quarter wondering what we did wrong and, perhaps retreating from the world.

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In the press of that second quarter of earning our living, making a family, raising quarrelsome kids, and struggling to keep a good face on, we don’t have the time or the energy to reflect on what is going wrong. When things go wrong, we try harder; if that doesn’t work, we believe that we just aren’t enough…not tough enough, not smart enough, not wise enough, not loving enough, not unselfish enough…to overcome such a hostile world.

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When we first begin our young adulthoods, we assume that if we do what everyone else is doing, we’ll be fine. We do what our parents did. Work hard. Speak the truth. Give an honest days work for our pay. Be honest. Keep your word. It isn’t until mid-life, usually, that we discover that we’ve been following the wrong rules and that something is wrong with the assumptions we made about how life worked. But we don’t stop until we are forced to, until our body breaks down, we become ill, or until our mind stops thinking because we’ve burnt out, or until our spouse walks out on us.

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Sometime around mid-life for a lot of us, we realize our life has become a prison and that we are held in place working like a fly in a spider’s web. We find we’re working harder and harder just to keep what we have, to keep the house maintained, the lawn mowed, the children busy, the spouse happy, the job secure. But we think in our private momentes that our life has become a trap, and we can‘t step out of it without the whole house of cards coming down around us.

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Too often, our marriages have become loveless and exhausted. Our children hate us and run away blaming us for their troubles. We face each day on the job with a sense of fatigue or dread. One more day with that tyrannical boss. One more day trying to do both your own job and all the housework and meet the kids needs without support from your husband. One more day working yourself to death for low wages. One more day of trying to hold everything together without a spouse to help you deal with the world or help you fight the loneliness and impersonality of our lives.

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Through the ages, many people have experienced this same issue and, in the midst of their daily lives, sought for ways to live their lives in a more meaningful way. Religions, especially, have served the purpose of helping people to raise their eyes higher, to see a purpose in the world and in their lives, to accept suffering as a part of life and to find courage and meaning in even the simplest things here on earth. But over the centuries, our churches have become…in too many cases…empty of meaning as well.

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Robert A. Johnson, in his book Living Your Unlived Life, asserts this:

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When a religious institution no longer contains satisfactory answers, then we are forced to go on “the quest” utilizing symbols that arise from our own unconscious.

This is the “turn within” that mystics and scholars have written about for aeons. When the rules and beliefs one has followed all ones life cease to have meaning or to work for you, you realize that looking without for answers isn’t going to solve your problem. There is only one thing to do, and that is to begin watching ones dreams and daydreams for insight into what needs to change. This “quest” is not a search without for information or wisdom…that never works; it is a search within ones self for answers to the problem of how to live and how to resolve this issue of meaningfulness in life!

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Johnson continues, The quest involves listening to your interior intelligence, taking it seriously, staying true to it, and approaching it with a religious attitude. In Jungian psychology, this quest is known as “individuation”--discovering the uniqueness of ourselves, finding your purpose and meaning. It relates to wholeness, not some indiscriminate wholeness, but rather your particular relationship to everything else.

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Before the Age of Christ, there was a long period when poets and mystics taught their students to live a life with symbolic meaning: serve in one’s life something greater than ones self, respect the gods and see your life as personifying some great principle of Life itself. This was called “living the symbolic life.” In the old days, myth spelled out the themes of human life in the lives of “the gods”. In the ancient art of theatre and poetry of Homer, in the myths of the gods Zeus, Apollo, Demeter, Kore, Aphrodite, Mars, Kronos, Gaia and others, the reasons for the “way things are” were given, and the meaning of tragedy, chaos, loss and gain were deeply explored. Man’s place in the Universe was explained. The laws under which life was expressed and expanded were sounded. And everyman and woman could see in his or her own life the ways in which these themes resounded on a personal or individual level. Each man could see that he lived his own myth, his own “great story”. Each woman could find in her own personal experience the themes embodied by her gods or goddess. He or she could see that, in the ordinary details of life, the great themes of Life resounded and took form. They could see their lives on more than a literal level. They could find significance for their lives on a metaphorical or symbolic level.

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Johnson relates:

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When we learn to live our lives symbolically rather than literally, new vistas open to us. This world, the world of ordinary life, once again becomes ensouled, mysteriously interconnected, meaningful and fascinating.

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Only the symbolic life can express the need of the soul…And because people have no such thing, they can never step out of this awful, grinding, banal life in which they are ‘nothing but.’

One of the tragedies in the history of Western Religious history was when the early Catholic Church began to insist that its followers believe in the literal historic truth in its sacred texts and discount the mythic nature of spiritual teachings. The early Church made it a test of belief and salvation that its followers accept the teachings as literally true rather than metaphorically true, not accepting that That Which Cannot be Described was contained in its historical descriptions of the history of Jesus and ethical rules. Subsequently, followers of Christianity began increasingly trapped in literal descriptions of historic events rather than reaching beyond themselves towards the non-physical realms or towards personal spiritual experience.

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One way to step out of literalness is to relearn to live a symbolic life, to view your life from a poetic or symbolc perspective.If you are interested in learning to live in a new way, consider these references as a beginning to your search:

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Robert A Johnson Living Your Unlived Life

Chiron is a planetoid in our solar system having a peculiar orbit between Uranus and Saturn. It has for some time been included in horoscopes because it plays the unique role of identifying the character of the soul’s wound and healing needs. Chiron also is key in bringing on the process of individuation in the form of a “shamanic journey“…an archetypal psychological experience characterized by a near-death experience, followed by a long psychological illness and restoration, in the end, of sanity. The experience may leave the soujourner strange and eccentric, and possessing odd sensitivities or talents.

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Chiron in myth was a Centaur…the son of the god Kronos and a nymph, Philyra, who…seeking to escape the god’s amorous pursuit...changed herself into a horse. Kronos nevertheless had his way with her, by changing himself into a stallion. She became pregnant as a result of the rape and bore Chiron. The new baby was half man, half horse. In horror, Philyra sought forgetfulness and sought help from Zeus. Zeus changed her into a Linden tree where she might live out her appointed time dreaming.

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Taught his lessons by Apollo…god of Light and Reason…, young Chiron was guided away from his instinctual side and towards reason. Psychologically, this metaphorically describes the process of “repression” in which the ability to feel one’s emotions and body are sublimated and lost in our “unconscious” as we are educated to value the mind and spirit over the body. With no connection to our instinctual side, we too are not grounded in our bodies, symbolizing the fate modern man has been dealt as a result of our historic denial of our animal side.

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Chiron is known as the archetypal “shaman” healer, and his influence is to serve us as our inner teacher when we are called into an internal “shamanic journey” of individuation to heal this inner split. This “wounded healer” is sometimes able to heal others but not himself.

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Chiron’s psychological theme is the combination of a negative rejecting mother and an absent or weak father and is the common psychological theme of our time, creating in our children a loneliness and sense of isolation. This intergenerational heritage creates basis for the archetypal Parsifal hero’s birth, leaving our psyche wide open to the imaginal realm and hindering ego formation. The result is often a increasing emphasis on a rarified spirituality with repression of instincts ( a flight from pain) and an early sense of destiny and urgency to develop ones own individuality.

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The result of Chiron’s wound was the creation of a repressive barrier between his personality and his instincts. He possessed an extremely fine mind, but could not feel himself, his animalness or his emotions. This loss is Chirons first wound. He became the mediator of Apollonian ideals in a ancient culture of harmony and order set against the instinctual. In effect, Chiron epitomizes the humanity of the early agricultural society. He became a wise man, prophet, physician, teacher and musician; mentor in leadership; healer, and scientist. Such were his skills that his students often surpassed even him in ability or fame, such as the physician Aesclepius and the hero Jason..

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Later in his life, Chiron was mortally wounded in the leg by one of Hercules’s arrows which had been dipped in the poisonous blood of the Hydra, symbolizing the wounded animal aspect/instinctual side of humanity. This was Chiron’s second wound...one he could not escape because, being the son of a god, he was immortal. After his injury, he lived in constant, terrible pain. In the end, Chiron asked to be allowed to take the place of the suffering Prometheus in Hades and to die. Chiron thus became man’s teacher in facing and accepting death.

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Some of the life issues associated with Chiron include:

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• Homoeopathic healing , heal by exaggerating the compulsions to repeat certain lives, experiences, needs.
• Where ever Chiron is in the chart often it represents things we can do well for others but not so well for ourself.
• Subpersonalities in the psyche may constellate around Chiron’s place in a chart as the archetypes of victim, the persecutor, and the rescuer
• Missionary zeal is associated with Chiron.
• Chiron’s story “underlines” the need for acceptance of our woundedness in order to be healed.
• Acceptance of and compassion for ourselves and our suffering
• The Wounded Healer Archetype IS the archtype of the Self!
• Seeking for Meaning to life is driven by the suffering of your woundedness

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Like Chiron, each of us has a soul wound that drives us into seeking for answers and meaning, and from which we cannot escape. This pain drives us into yearnings, compulsions and addictions that causes us to seek ends which cannot be attained. Our dreams are filled with images and archetypal forms. We are often driven to depart our ordinary lives to seek for who we are and our own uniqueness. The journey sometimes takes the form of an emotional or mental breakdown, followed by a long period of recovery. We are tempted to take up causes and spiritual burdens on this journey. But the purpose of each journey is not to make us into priests or healers, but to help us heal the trauma we experienced as small children, to learn to stand alone in this world, to speak our own truths and stand upon our own authority; in other words, to become psychologically and spiritually mature.

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The energies of transformation one encounters on these personal journeys are extremely powerful and can possess us. Most of us must not get caught up in these images or archetypes, for they cause ego inflation and fanatical seeking rather than healing. In time, we must stop the ego inflation that comes with possession by these archetypal energies, stop the seeking, the messianic preaching and Questing, and come back down to live life as it is in humility.

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Stressful placements of Chiron might point to wounds, limited understanding, dogma, self-doubt, or spiritual unrest.

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By understanding the archetypes which try to possess us and denying them our life, we are like Prometheus rebelling against "the gods"--stealing fire from the gods. The story of Prometheus has been linked to Aquarius (where Chiron currently is transiting).

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Through the process of the shamanic journey, we learn to live and to:

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• Give the gods their due respect
• Uphold human values, maintain individuality, stand in our uniqueness, and don’t give into authority
• Accept the limits of our individual make up, the society we live in, the relationship we have, and the lives we lead

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Chiron stresses the shamanic journey as a means of healing and/or transforming and unites the body and mind, the intellect and instincts.

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A prominent Chiron in ones chart indicates the potential to be an educator or healer…one who challenges limited views. But not necessarily. It may simply be the archetype driving one’s individualization.

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Chiron is the Inner Teacher. This archetypal journey into the shamans worldview, into an “expanded awareness”, brings a shift in philosophical perspective to balance the prevailing feelings of powerlessness and victimization…not to make each person into a shaman or healer. Any transformational journey set off by our woundedness is likely to be marked by an archetypal return to Ouranic consciousness, Nature and instincts…a state of participation mystique with Nature. The purpose and goals of each person this happens to may be unique, but it can result in the recovery of a lost sense of self and a subsequent need to feel well again.

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The shaman and the hero must surrender to this process. The hero returns to his life. The shaman becomes possessed by the process and serves others.

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With the completion of our journey, we move into a new sort of relationship between mind and body that restores individuality without necessarily repressing instinct. Communication lines are opened to be well. The personality is strengthen and the feeling of personal empowerment is restored. The personality adjusts to become more intuitive, sensually oriented, and more open to bodily needs.

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The shaman performs a religious function in reconnecting people with life…visible and invisible…to experience and feel ones connection to divine agencies. When traditional religion loses its ability to do this and take people off into institutional but not experiential forms of religious experience, there is no feeling of love, support that one gets from ceremonial forms of worship /Dionysian experiences.

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Chiron’s sign shows where this traumatic search is likely to occur in our own lives.

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Chiron’s house represents an area of life that is initially blocked, wounded or functioning poorly. This is the Cave where he lived.

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Planets in aspect to Chiron tell us something about the terrain of our journey, foes we will meet, and the monsters we may meet, befriend or be devoured by.

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Chiron’s death psychologically is our return to life. He goes back into the Underworld.

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Associations: Horses, shamans, spiritual warriors

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Psychology: Immune system, thighs, genitals

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Past life blocks: Personality splits, roles as victim or scapegoat, unhealed wounds, fears.

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Fertility, Vitality
Creative Energy
Lust, Unbridled Sexual Powers
The Sin of Lust

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Goat carries a number of symbolic meanings that give him both positive and negative messages. Goat has long symbolized sexual lust, but sexual energy is the very energy of life. Therefore, goat gives us vitality to live our lives with passion and enthusiasm for sexual relationships. Without the passion of sexuality, fertility is lacking, both in procreation and in creative pursuits. The body also requires sexuality to move energy efficiently. Those who become and remain celibate often “dry up” and lose energy, creativity, and enthusiasm for life.
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Obsessive focus on sex however is generally considered a negative personality trait of some men, whose interest in the opposite sex is primarily focused on their need for sexual activity rather than intimacy or commitment. Women recognize such men and rightfully think of them as Old Goats!
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Goat is a negative symbol in Christianity, which gives Goat an association with Lust as Sin.
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In Greek mythology, the god Pan was half human, half goat in appearance. He played a flute which he used to lure the unwary into the wilderness. He was known for seducing human women into orgies in nature. Pan symbolized the Ecstasy of Nature; that Life and its Creation is sexuality. Pan draws our attention to another realm of Reality—a Realm where sex is neither immoral nor ‘good’, but simply a Law of the Creator. Sex is Sacred in this Realm of Nature of the Old Ways before Man decided to make lust and sex a sin.

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• Bold Self-Expression and Self-Reliance
  
• Healer

Badger is a keeper of knowledge of the Earth and her animals. In her dens below the ground, she hears the Earth speak and knows much about Her wholeness. Badger brings these stories she hears far below the ground up into the light and tells them to the children of the Earth. She sees below the surface of life and understands what she sees and hears. So she is the Story Teller of the animal kingdom.
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Badger is carnivorous and eats many smaller animals. As she takes these animals within her, she absorbs their knowledge and stories.
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Incredibly tough and resilient, badger has been known to take the kill from a mountain lion. Very few animals will take on an adult badger. It is an incredibly fierce fighter.
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Badger is an unsociable animal. It does not “relate” well with others-even its own kind. It looks after its own needs. Those who would feed off badger or her kills soon learn that they had better look elsewhere. One might think that an animal such as badger would be lonely, but she is quite comfortable in her aloneness, self-reliant and centered. Badger needs no one to make her happy because she is grounded and comfortable with her self.
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Like other members of the weasel family, badger is cunning. Provoke her and she’ll make you sorry you did. She has immensely powerful jaws and razor sharp claws. Try to move her and she’ll dig into the Earth and not be moved.
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If badger has come into your life, you should ask yourself: are you looking beneath the surface of things? Have you become ungrounded and too ethereal in your spirituality? Do you need to get grounded. Are you giving away your power to others by depending on others to meet your needs? Are you comfortable in your aloneness? Are you disconnected from the Earth and its animal spirits?
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If badger is one of your totem or power animal, you are fortunate for she will help you to live in the present in your power. And when you are ready, she’ll help you tell your story to others so that they too will feel their own power, their love for themselves and their wholeness.

One of the most common sources of unhappiness at work--and in familial relationships--is unresolved conflict.

Restoring self-love can be a work of years. Don't think you can correct it by thinking about it or reading a book. It is not a question of thinking. It is a matter of experience. You must experience love again and again until your lack has been filled. You can do this by loving yourself. Then, your self-love will overflow, and you will have more than enough to give to others. You will be surprised how easily you will attract love from others once you truly love yourself.

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“Our local zoo had for years one of the biggest African lions I’ve ever seen. A huge male, nearly five hundred pounds, with a wonderful mane and absolutely enormous paws.

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Panthera leo. The King of the Beasts. Sure, he was caged, but I’m telling you the bars offered small comfort when you stood within six feet of something that in any other situation saw you as an easy lunch. Honestly, I felt I ought to shepherd my boys past him at a safe distance, as if he could pounce on us if he really wanted to. Yet he was my favorite, and whenever the others would wander on to the monkey house or the tigers, I’d double back just for few more minutes in the presence of someone so powerful and noble and deadly. Perhaps it was fear mingled with admiration; perhaps it was simply that my heart broke for the big old cat.

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This wonderful, terrible creature should have been out roaming the savanna, ruling his pride, striking fear into the heart of every wildebeest, bringing down zebras and gazelles whenever the urge seized him. Instead, he spent every hour of every day and every night of every year alone, in a cage smaller than your bedroom, his food served him through a little metal door. Sometimes late at night, after the city had gone to sleep, I would hear his roar come down from the hills. It sounded not so much fierce, but rather mournful.

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During all my visits, he never looked me in the eye. I desperately wanted him to, wanted for his sake the chance to stare me down, would have loved it if he took a swipe at me.

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But he just lay there, weary with that deep weariness that comes from boredom, taking shallow breaths, rolling now and then from side to side.

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For after years of living in a cage, a lion no longer even believes it is a lion…..and a man no longer believes he is a man.”[1][2]

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.A pride of lions has a primeval character about it; sort of like an ancient tribe of hunter-gatherers. The male does virtually no work; he just breeds the females, plays with the cubs, and drives off other males. The lionesses do most of the work. For a few short years, he survives this way; king of his own kingdom. Then, some younger, more powerful male defeats him and drives him away. And his reign is over.

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Lions and men have a lot in common. When we are young, we have a kingdom to found, a pride to create. The dream lies before us. The dream happens, or our chance for the dream passes, and then it is over so quickly. Society though makes it all too easy. The tribal way is not man’s way but woman’s. In a way, both society’s roles and man’s family roles turn out to be cages instead of dreams. There is something bred into men and lions—something fierce…passionate…wild…that dies in these cages. Sometimes, boys are drawn out into gangs and wars by that wild need. Sometimes, it is repressed by mothers and wives and children who need his attention and ‘protection’ and sometimes it is stamped out by years of routine, repetition of meaningless work in the work place.

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Lion symbolizes the heart, masculine strength and courage, yet the real lives of men seem a universe away from the desires of his heart. What does he want? He wants a reason to be. He wants a purpose. Without a great battle in which to live or die, the fierce part of his nature goes underground, into his unconscious mind, and simmers there in a sullen anger that he can’t explain. Each year that passes drives another nail into his feet, like Jesus on the Cross, as he sacrifices his need to “be something” for others.

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Men past forty

Get up nights, look out at city lights

And wonder

Where they made the wrong turn

And why life is so long.

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What is it that is wrong? Most men don’t even know. We only know that we are restless, discontent, angry about the way our lives have turned out. We pursue the things we’re told are the marks of success: power, wealth, fame, the most desirable women. But once achieved, they turn out to be not enough. The heart is not satisfied with these goals.

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Ancient sages classified the masculine as “sun beings.” And the sun is the domain of individuality, ego-consciousness, which is separate and self-satisfying. The feminine, on the other hand, are “moon beings” which are tribal, collective, and group satisfying.

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Faced with the danger of life in the wild, the tribe comes first. Faced with the dangers of economic ruin in modern society, so too does the tribe come first. Men want to make a difference as an individual. They require a sense of self, a sense of personal pride, the feeling of being self-reliant and independent. That is not possible if one is to be a success in an organization or in a family. Woman want bonding, unity, domestication, collective identity, joint responsibility, and mutual dependence.

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Wives see that “making a difference” is a collective issue: raising a family, raising and caring for children, providing for the family unit. And it is! And in the modern workplace, the individual ego has no lasting place; it is the preservation of the collective organization that matters. Only the “top cat” in an organization can act the part of King of Beasts. Other males must circle and watch from a distance. They never win their Pride.

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A man must do.

He must disengage from the mother

And find his way of “doing,”

Which is a way of pain.

A woman has only to be.

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Losing their pride causes men to feel they are not men. Beneath their “public face” such men know they are a sham; they feel weak; they feel a failure. And they hate their weakness and insufficiency. Their frustrated passions turn dark. They become distant, abusive, controlling, angry at the wives and children, wander off into affairs, or lose themselves in strong drink. Or their self-hate turns them into hyenas, slinking around, hating themselves and their lives.

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Sometimes, men’s wives emasculate their self-doubting men. Women are often attracted to the wilder side of a man, but once having caught him, they set about domesticating him. If he gives in, he’ll always resent her for it, and his passion for her will fade.

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So society “puts men in a cage” to control them. Wives do too. Employers do too. Why?

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Because there is something dangerous, unpredictable, and unreliable about the masculine in a tribal society. Like a male lion, there is an instinctive violence in the masculine soul that is there for a reason. Nature puts it there. As a warrior or a hunter, he may be required to die for the good of the tribe, and he must have a natural fierceness of heart that leads him to face death with a sense of joy that he has discovered his purpose and meaning in nature. Ninety percent of all incarcerated felons are male for a reason. Women seldom commit the violence against other people as do men. Men never fully escape the restlessness that seethes within them, that keeps them from finding peaceful acceptance of society’s branding.

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Modern society, employers and families have no need for such fierceness of intent. Instead, they have a need for eunuchs: workers or providers without spirit, sense of self, or desire to rebel, who can be depended upon to work year after year without individuality. Equality is not the rule of the King of Beasts; dominance is. Equality is the rule of matriarchy. Women’s rule castrates men, as bureaucracy castrates its male employees; and in many cases, so too do wives their husbands. Those who survive rely on cunning, politics and lies to make their way through the corporate or bureaucratic forests they inhabit.

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Men’s mid-life crisis is a wake up call to such men. They are still tied to their mother’s needs. They are called to become the men they had never chosen to be. Wives, alarmed at the uncharacteristic behavior and feelings of rage and resentment their husbands experience at this time, panic and try to hold onto them, to bring them back into accustomed roles. And so end many marriages to wives who never understood the animal they married nor the male energies within themselves.

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When the old lion has lost his pride, there is little more that he can do but wander off to be alone, as so many men do: retiring early, turning away from careers, families, humdrum lives, dead dreams, to discover who they are and what is missing in their lives. What they are missing is feeling alive, knowing who they are, having a sense that their masculinity has made a difference, feeling that their purpose in nature has been fulfilled. While many receive some measure of satisfaction knowing that they were good fathers, good husbands, good employees or team members, most still remain unsatisfied, feeling that they were never good enough!

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When a lion, or a man for that matter, cannot love himself, he never gets his needs met sufficiently to be well with his life or himself.

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Of course, women being true to their own nature cannot be held accountable for this.

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They too have their individuality and need for true partnerships, for the voyage of married couples through life is hazardous as well and needs a steady hand at the tiller and a dependable crew. It is as though Nature arranged our lives, not for our individual happiness, but for the survival of the species. We are each perpetually in conflict yet need one another to be well!

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Men, and women, play their roles in their youth, coupling and procreating, raising young, and then coming back to their unfinished business. Society meanwhile expects them to continue on in the pattern established early in life. But the unfinished business of life calls us to find out what remains to us after the duties to society and procreation have been met. And the only way this can be met is to turn away from society and family, their expectations, their needs and demands, and attend to oneself.

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“Going in search of oneself” becomes the remaining task. And afterward? What can be started in old age? What might society make room for when an old lion is too old for the business of business, for raising families, for paying taxes and other adventures?”

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Perhaps nothing, but to retire and wait. Perhaps everything has been completed. And men will lie in their cages, waiting to be fed, and Nature—no longer interested in us—turns to younger lions and lionesses to begin again the cycle of birth and dying.

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John Eldridge, Wild at Heart: Discovering the Secret of a Man’s Soul (Nelson Books: 2003), p.40.

Ed Sussman Quote.

Diane K. Osbon, ed., Reflections on the Art of Living: A Joseph Campbell Companion, page 228.

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Lately, I’ve been feeling kind of stuck. You know how it is. Doing the same things, everyday, until the routine begins to take the joy out of living. Sometimes, I need new things to be; and then again, sometimes I need to go back out into the woods where I can feel at peace again. So Grandfather came by and suggested we go back down to the river, where we could fool around, have some fun, talk about life.

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We drove down Highway 64, crossed Jordon Lake, and then turned off by Pittsboro. The Haw River crosses 64 a few miles outside Pittsboro. We both like the river there. The river bed is filled with huge rocks perfect for just sitting, or fishing, or spotting birds. I see Great Blue Herons there all the time, an occasional eagle. But yesterday, the place is rocking with kids. The State declared the area as a North Carolina State Park recently, and now the river banks and waters are likely to be full of kids, fishermen, kayakers and canoers. With all the racket, it takes much of the pleasure out of the park experience.

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Wildlife gets frightened away. You know how it is?

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I was getting hot and sweaty—it was 95 degrees and sunny—and began to think about heading back to our (air-conditioned) car. Grandfather wasn’t quite ready yet, and pointed upstream with his chin.

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“Let’s go up that way a bit,” he suggested.

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I thought about the sweat rolling down my sides under my shirt, and said, “Okay.”

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So we walked back through the woods and crossed over under the highway bridge. It wasn’t long before we noticed that there were no people up river. We began to hear bird calls, squirrels scrabbling up the pines, a Great Blue Heron startling up out of the water and winging further upstream. The spaces under the trees began to cool our heated skins, and I began to relax at last.

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Further upstream, we encountered scattered stones pushing their way above the river surface, and I began feeling childlike, wondering how might it feel to venture out onto the river’s surface, high wiring across from stone to stone. When I was a kid, I wouldn’t think twice about it. But I’m 62 now, and a slip on the mossy stones could shatter an elbow or break a hip.

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But those stones looked inviting, and I began to feel like trying it. It felt “dangerous!” Exciting. If I fell, what would most likely happen is that I would simply get wet! Grandfather said nothing; he just watched me looking at those stones like a kid and smiled to himself.

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The first stones were easy—low to the water, well grounded in the stream—but of course, as I got out into the river, the rocks required step ups and downs, and some of the rocks looked treacherous. I had to begin making choices. There were easy looking paths that went waaaaaaaaay around, and there were direct paths which looked more unsuitable. I had to think about what criteria was right for choosing a path. Finally, I decided that common sense made a good criteria: take the long path if it was the easier. I wasn’t in any hurry to get across the river, so take the easy way I decided. I figured that said a lot about the kind of decision-maker I was, but at the same time saw that there wasn’t a “right” nor a “wrong” answer. It was just who I was.

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Then, there were the looong steps to the next rock, and the small rocks where footing looked tenuous, and the rocks with no footing in the stream--which would turn under my foot if I didn’t step upon them at exactly the right angle. So I’m calculating as I go, balancing like a high wire artist; then in the water I go. Thankfully, the water doesn’t go over the top of my loafer, so I’m really thanking the gods, or somebody out there, for helping me stay upright.

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I’m beginning to see that my little river adventure is really a lot like life: I’m learning about life by trying to walk across the river!

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There are times when you just have to take a longer step than you feel comfortable with, and with some of those, you’re going to end up in the river. But if you are enjoying the adventure, it doesn’t hurt nearly so much. So I’m reviewing in my mind what is it that makes the difference: if you take your time and see it as fun, the mistakes aren’t nearly so painful or so often because you’ve thought them out ahead of time and took your steps with a smile and a dare. You can’t guess right every time, of course! And you don’t have to be perfect in your steps from rock to rock to successfully navigate the river. The rocks won’t move, you know. Just you decide when to step and where you’re going, and it gets easier. Don’t step before you’re ready. Don’t take silly risks unnecessarily. Take as long as you need. Don’t rush. There is really no point in it. The important thing is to enjoy your journey and don’t take silly risks for no reason.

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So I catch a glimpse of Grandfather behind me. He’s just stepping calmly from stone to stone like he was walking in the woods. His balance seems perfect! I’m wondering how he makes it look so easy, and I feel a hot rush of resentment. He is far older than me! He’s showing me up. Ignoring a handy rock handhold, I step across a long stretch, lose my balancing and windmill wildly from stone to stone to the far side. Embarrassed, I look back at Grandfather, but he’s just watching the river slide past his perch. Chagrined, I think I just got another lesson. Don’t show off. Don’t ignore a friendly helping hand just because I want others to see how hot I am.

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Finally, on the other side, I revel in my adventure. It has been 50 years since I did anything so foolhardy and adventurous! Grandfather sits beside me and we enjoy a few moments rest. A small flock of geese are watching us warily from a short distance, and I can see a small creek that winds off into the woods. Someday, I think, I’m going to follow that branch off through the forest and see where it leads.

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“That was fun!” I say. “Yup!,” he says, and smiles.

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I’m thinking now about my car back at the parking lot. In order to get back, we’re going to have to go back across the river and retrace our steps back through the woods. Just like life, I’m thinking. I’ve spent my whole life getting here, and what does it mean. I’ve worked my way across a river, and I’m only on the other side of the river. Am I better off? No, I’m thinking. I’m just on the other side of the river. Both sides of the river look exactly the same. I spent my whole life working my ass off to get to retirement. The real question is, have I enjoyed the journey? Did I enjoy the company I shared, the friendships, the lovers. I realize how I spent most of my own life struggling to get ahead, worrying about promotions or people who seemed to be getting ahead of me, jealously guarding my turf or prerogatives, trying to hold on to what I had. I figure that was really pretty stupid of me.

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I gave Grandfather a hug, thanked him for walking beside me as teacher and friend, and told him I loved him.

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“Let’s go home!,” I said. And off we went again