I left part 2 with our return home from Atlanta unsure of what to do or where to turn as we tried to find health care for my husband

It would take another month before we sought help again. The disappointment of the past and feelings of helplessness and hopelessness kept us from looking. As his pain became worse and now, fear that his spleen could rupture because of the mass taking over, we arrived at yet another ER in another town. He was admitted and the test's he desperately needed were finally done. A biopsy would reveal Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma and that September he started a short round of chemothereapy treatments. Certainly, with his diagnosis and medical needs, something was available to help with medical costs. We just had to keep looking, right? Frustrated with the system and still having no insurance, it wasn't long before the clinic began asking for payments and because of my income he was ineligible for help.Depending on what company or financial officer we spoke to, I made about three-hundred dollars more per year for him to get medical assistance. Different companies' contacted us to "assist" us with our financial needs but it all came down to the same thing, "your wife earns too much to quiality."

With his loss of income and financial needs, I worked as much overtime as possible to pay our bills and the added expense to take him to treatments and fill prescriptions made it difficult to adjust. It seemed as though the harder I tried to do the right thing, the more it went against us. We began to wonder if it would take "playing the system", as many people told us too. Even a DFACS ( Department of Family and Children's Services) employee stated, "If you get a divorce and move out, then you can get assistance." Why should it take that drastic a measure to get him help?

What do we do? Morally it's not right, but as we've learned, doing right isn't best either.

Chemo treatments don't differentiate between good cells and bad and they easily bring other issues out as healthy cells are killed. He now has breathing problems as his COPD (Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease) has been enhanced and he now requires oxygen. His decline in health has him on diability now, but he won't qualify for medical aid for two years.  With no follow-up appointments since his final treatment in December we don't know what his prognosis is and with each passing day and any pain he feels we wonder..."What if?"

As I continue to work what overtime I can at my current job and try to keep up with the responsibilities in our life, questions fill my mind.

"How long can I hold on?"

"How long can he hold on?"

Could a decision we make change his outcome or will it change the course of our lives?

       I wrote this one night at work after realizing what we were facing 

              OUR UNKOWN FUTURE

 Through the years we have had our ups and downs, had more than our share of tears and hurts and I could have left in anger, God knows, so many times. Somehow we pulled it together and we moved on. 

The life we had was unexpected, my future now unsure, but I know that by not leaving you there is no greater joy for I can let you go in love in this winter season of your life. The peace I feel within me removes any regrets I may have had for staying. Though it may come to us too soon, I did my part, "until death".   I stayed, we struggled, we truimphed. We both became better and stronger.   

I will be forever grateful for the time God gave us, the lessons we learned and the memories I will always carry with me.

Until we meet again, I will now and forever be, your friend and your wife.

July 2009