Yesterday, I either met my Waterloo or perhaps I simply realized a few things that I had refused to acknowledge previous but that had been 'eating my lunch" for months.
After years of not working due to life-threatening illness's (that is plural), I thought I had found my own "dream job" when I posted the ad in Craigslist, advertising my skills, but also elaborating on my past history of illness, being out of the loop for a while, etc. When C. wrote me an email asking that I call her, I was thrilled. After months of going on interviews and posting my entire resume online at various sites, I had someone literally come to me! Wow.
After a quick phone interview (my computer had been down, so I was a the library using the internet in a neighboring city before a scheduled consult with a surgeon for a minor procedure), I was asked if I'd come in for an interview that day. I told her that I did not have my resume on me, and that I was in jeans, but if she didn't mind, I would indeed come in after my appointment. It was only a mile away so the drive over would be quick.
I left the surgeons office, glancing down at my previously freshly ironed cotton white shirt which had developed wrinkles between leaving the library and leaving the doctor's office. It was also very hot outside, I was in my husband old Land Cruiser and the A/C was on the blink, so I drove the short distance to the interview, knowing that I looked disheveled and wilted. Ah well.
C. was a delight and nothing that I had expected. She had an Irish first name and a last name of then undetermined ethnicity (I didn't recognize the ethnicity, in any case) in a city of Hispanic and Caucasian residents. She was of medium height, with beautiful red hair, freckles and glasses, topped of by a lovely, friendly smile. I liked her immediately. She was young, in her 30's, but I felt an instant connection.
After apologizing for my disheveled state, we had a great chat, covering all sorts of conversational territory. We hit it off and she gave me encouraging input. I was to fax my resume and references and she would be back in touch soon. The ironic thing is that I had asked about "cattiness" in the office, telling her that I hated it when women were like that and she assured me that they had gotten rid of the catty person. So, I was tickled, to say the least. The gals in the front office had been friendly when I had come in, and weeks later, when I began my job, they were equally as friendly. That was only one part of their personalities. Oh, how could I have forgotten how women in an office could be?
I began, feeling insecure, ancient (although I am the 3rd youngest in an office that ranges from 20 to 63) and out of the loop. It took me a while to "get" certain things, but I consoled myself with the knowledge that it usually takes 6 months to fully learn a job. It didn't take that long for me, fortunately, but that is because the work is simple,once learned, and unchallenging. I rarely have more than one hours full work to do, and other than answering their phones, I have hours of nothing. I cannot even create work to do. I have begged for work, gotten it on occasion, but most of the time, I am searching the computer....mindlessly putting in names of old acquaintances or people in the news, just to have something to do. It is permissible to do this, but not something I feel comfortable doing. I am a hard worker and need challenges, and am supposed to avoid stress, but having little to do can be very stressful to a person with skills that are begging to be used.
Then there is that cattiness. Two fo the gals up front are close friends. I am the only other one up front. They gossip, make comments about previous employees, and verbally discuss their lunch plans, always leaving me out. At first this hurt me, but as time has gone out, I've almost convinced myself that it doesn't matter. This is a small office, and there are a few in the other part of the company who lunch together also, but that is not bothersome to me. It is as though I am purposely being left out. I have been asked by one of them a few times if I wanted them to bring me something back, but more often that not, this is not the case. Never has this happened to me in a job environment and it hurts.
Then there is the one who actually works for the "other side" now. The company went through a division recently and she begged to stay upfront, although her boss begged her to move in his office. I don't blame her for not wanting to, but she is the person whose job I took over and when her teaching was meant to be over (once I'd gotten a good handle on the job), she keep on making "suggestions", phrasing the comments in a form meant to be helpful, but instead it comes across as critical or sarcastic. I have mastered answering the company phones (my previous jobs have ALWAYS included this and I have plenty of experience under my too tight belt), but she still either tells me that I should do it a certain way, or comments about it behind my back. She also greets the clients still, contacts the others to tell them that their clients are there instead of referring them to me, a desk away. She has trouble letting me own my job. She speaks to her boss, the only man, like hs is stupid, and yet he eats this up. She is always dogging him, and I happen to have a great deal of respect for him, yet I cannot say a thing as it is none of my business. He makes cracks to me about my computer use and even though he is not my boss, it bothers me. His name in on the business and I want his approval. Yesterday was just such a day and after his comment to me, I finally wrote him an email, outlining my VAST experience and the fact that my current job was far from fulfillng or challenging and if I had something to do, I would NOT be on the computer playing. I was upfront with him and felt that the email was the only way to approch this. As we all know, women tend to cry when they are angry and I was pizzed big time.
I told my boss that I was seriously thinking of quitting. She was supportive, albeit she told me she hoped that I'd hang in there. She is not used to being a boss, is just learning her own new job as part owner of the company and her management skills do not stretch to employee unhappiness or conflict management. I told her I'd think about things over the next three days off.
So, what am I going to do? Is God leading me in a new direction? Has all of this supplied me with current experience that can be used in a new job and the realization that my skills are NOT rusty, as I'd assumed. The job has ironically tested my confidence, found it wanting at times, yet strengthened it at the same time. I have blossomed, found that my people skills (outside of the office, that is) are still strong, that I enjoy the public and they generally enjoy me too. Part of my previous experience was dealing extensively with the public and I was very successful. I still have it. I have gained weight, am trying to lose it, but can still make my appearance to be professional and pleasing.
But, on the other hand, my tolerance for unkindness, idiocy and ignorance has been tested and found wanting. I cannot tolerate gossip (albeit I have been gulty of participating, just to FIT IN) and I don't want to be a part of it.
I have discovered that women can be toxic, but then again, the RIGHT women can be mentors, friends and good co-workers. The current job is likely not the right one for me. I have skills that are not being used and appreciated and my boss cannot do a thing about it. She has no power to change others, any more than I do. So...what is this telling me? I believe that I need to go.
Even though the response e-mail from the person I wrote it to was positive, aplogetic, telling me that he liked me and hoped I'd stay, it doesn't change the fact that this is an unharmonious office in many ways. It is high stress for all but me. It is clannish. These people have a personal history and either I stick it out to try to breach the unconscious wall they have set up, or I find a workplace where I wil fit in and who will appreciate me, my skills and my personality. Perhaps I should accept this as a very short (5 months) start in the new journey of life I am on and move on. The financial challenges for us (my husband is a carpenter and does not make a lot of money) are out front, facing me tauntingly, but I have faith that if I shut this door, another one will be open immediately. Let me take that leap of faith!
The Sin of Unbelief
