New York, New York
United States
janeHow to Move a Parent Without Push-Back or Panic
"No, Dad, you can't go back to living on your own, absolutely not."
Startled, Charles Washburn sputtered at his daughter. Who was she to tell him what to do? Charles was traditionally parental. He was a Hollywood director; well, an assistant director; well, he used to be, for more than 20 years before the kidney transplant weakened him and he had to quit working. But he was the first African American to be admitted to the assistant director's union, and he had lived alone for seven years. He was a prideful man.
"Dad, I saw the inside of your apartment," Lindsey Washburn said. "You can't go back there." The floor and furniture were covered with newspapers and magazines and Charles' old movie scripts. The refrigerator was virtually empty. The evidence said her father had been too sick to take care of himself, although he had insisted for the last few years he needed no help. For the past four months, he had been in a rehabilitation facility after prostate surgery, followed by a sudden ambulance ride back to the hospital for emergency colon surgery.
Now it was all up to Lindsey to find her dad a place to live and to recuperate. She is at the turning point I call the NEW NORMAL.
You don't have to have gray hair to be designated a caregiver. Lindsey is only 28; her dad is 70. With people marrying later and having second families, the age gap between parents and children keeps growing wider. But being young, Lindsey had no hesitation to reach out for help. She made a frantic call to the Motion Picture and Television Fund in Los Angeles, the oldest social-service organization devoted to the retirement and health care of veterans of the entertainment industry. She got a sympathetic social worker on the phone.
"The discharge planner is saying my dad has to be out of here tomorrow—and he has no place to go! They told me I'd have to take him home. But all I have is a tiny, single-girl apartment, and I work all day. I love my dad, I'd like to take care of him, but I work on commission, and my dad is in diapers now and he has a colostomy bag and …"
To Jessica Caughey, a geriatric social worker, this kind of desperate call was all too familiar. Charles had already used up the 120 days allotted by Medicare for a stay in a skilled-nursing facility after surgery. His daughter had begged and battled for a few more days, but no luck.
This is a situation that many of us as caregivers face. Suddenly our backs are against the wall. The discharge planner, a formidable character who reports to the business side of the hospital, is insisting that you have to take your loved one home, and you say, "Wait, I'm not ready. I work."
Lindsey couldn't be home to care for her father. She was only beginning to build a résumé; she had to show up every day to earn a commission. She belongs to a generation of women with unapologetic career ambitions. Her first reaction, she admitted to me, was, "I don't want to do this. But then, who else was going to? My mom and dad are divorced, and they don't have any contact."
It's 5 p.m. Do You Know How Your Parent Will Eat and Sleep Tonight?
Many long-distance caregivers tell me when they finally visit their parents' living circumstances, they can't believe it: The home smells bad, there's nothing in the refrigerator, and a parent may be sleeping on the couch because they can't get up the stairs.
Nothing replaces actually visiting a parent before "The Call." Older people generally hide their vulnerabilities, because they're afraid that if they're found out, they will lose even more of their independence. But in reality, the sooner they get help and make their homes safer, the longer they will be able to stay at home and retain their independence.
What to do:
• Stay in your parent's home for a few days.
• Get to know his or her social world. Who are the people who could look out for your parent? Does your dad have a buddy at the American Legion hall? Does your mom play bridge?
• Make friends with the mailman, introduce yourself to the neighbors, meet the pharmacist who fills Dad's prescriptions and the denizens of the local diner where Dad or Mom stops for coffee.
• Take down all these names and their contact information, and pass around yours in return. Ask people to call you if anything seems amiss.
• Entrust a nearby friend with a key or two for your parent's residence before leaving town.
Finding Your Care Helper
If you need help to set up a New Normal living situation for an older adult, your local Area Agency on Aging is your first line of defense. AAA is the one-stop-shop to find out the answers to “Where do I go, what do I do?” How do I find a social worker like Jessica to help me move my Dad (or other loved one) to a safe place?
The "Triple As" (Area Agencies) purpose is to serve as a clearinghouse for state and local resources. This is free information with no income requirement. A phone volunteer or social worker will listen to your situation and send you to the community provider of service that meets your needs. Your Triple A is connected at the local grassroots level and will know if new resources are available or if existing programs have run out of funds.
To find your nearest Area Agency on Aging, use the ElderCare Locator, a public service. All it takes is just one toll-free call to 800-677-1116 or entering your ZIP code in the Eldercare Locator for immediate results.
The goal of your Triple A is to help you keep your family member safe and at home. Secondly, they want to help make it possible for the caregiving family member to continue to work. The first step is an assessment of the caregiver’s and patient’s needs. This is initially done over the phone.
Your AAA will also help you with care transitions. Perhaps you are looking for a care partner to guide you through the available assisted-living facilities or the choice of nursing homes. The AAA might route you to a case-management or caregiving program, which will put you in touch with a skilled case manager or a social worker who knows the challenges of getting someone into the kind of facility you need. They know the game and the players and can plead your case.
Whether or not the case manager or social worker comes to your home depends on the complexity of the patient's needs. The more proactive you are, the more likely the relationship will develop, and you may become ongoing care partners. But you, the caregiver, have to keep in touch. If you run into a wall, go back to your AAA office and let them know, "That didn't work. What else can we do?"
If you would like to hire a professional care manager privately, you can find a one through the National Association of Professional Care Managers (phone: 520-881-8008). Some social service agencies also provide this service, for example Catholic Charities (phone: 703-549-1390) and Jewish Community Services (check local listings).
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