A year and 1/2 ago, my husband was diagnosed w/cancer then in May 09 my mother (84) had an aneurysm burst and was in intensive care for 2 months, rehab for 1. I guess the stress of what goes with all that was to much for me and I (age 56) had a stroke in July 09. In ways it was worse than my mothers because it affected my right side and I had to learn to walk, write and type all over again. I'm still not very good at any of them but I'm working at improving. At the time I was the only one working because my husband's job was to much for him. When I had the stroke, I discovered I had no short term disability. So add financial stress to the mix. I am now working 8-20 hours a week, as able.

I have never taken any drugs before now and am developing side effects that are hard to endure. Extreme dizziness and tongue swelling along with my tongue feeling like it's burnt.  

I am trying to find an anti-anxiety med that I can take. Zoloft seemed to work (with the least side effects) but after 3 weeks I'm slipping into a black hole again. I've shut out family and friends, not returning their phone calls and even tho I've been cleared to drive, I don't feel strong enough or confident enough to go any where. I tried a phychologist too but the first person I went to didn't help and I haven't pursued another person yet.  

I am having difficulty not becoming very discouraged. I used to be a take charge person, who was able to do many things well. Now I can do one thing at a time slowly and what I previously would have considered half-way is now my best effort.  Plus I feel that I've lost all my attractiveness and femininity. The stroke has made me very old. Where I used to be a young 56, I'm now an old one. I don't like the feeling.

Strokes are very hard on a person's confidence but I try to look to see what I can learn from it. I am learning patience with myself and tolerance plus empathy for others with impairments. I believe it can either break us or make us a better person. I hope to become a better person because of it but today I don't feel like fighting.  It's definitely not an easy road or one without roadblocks. I guess we just have to keep trying and look for positive detours.

In December my only daughter is going to have my  first grandchild. That should bring joy to my life. My daughter, son-in-law and husband are the only ones I haven't shut out of my life. I know I need to reach out to others, I know they care, it's me that is flawed. Something I need to work on...