Dad is still recovering from his illness - a mild heart attack and the diagnosis that he has Congestive Heart Failure. His heart is only working at 75%. I have spent a lifetime feeling like I was not important to Dad, not the son he wanted, not the daughter he wanted either. Always feeling like the "runt of the litter" as he would often call me because I was the smallest of the four of us daughters. He would point out that if I had been a rabbit my mother would have eaten me to put me out of my misery. He would get upset with me and tell me that he was going to trade me for an old yellow dog and shoot the dog. This always made me wonder where I would be then... on some farm that he had traded me off to? With strangers?

The older I got the more Dad and I locked horns. The wiser I became the more he seemed to see me as a threat. The stronger I became, the more he saw that I would stand up for my beliefs even if it meant standing against him. Every time he would become physically or mentally abusive to Mom I would step in and defend her. She wasn't always right, but she certainly didn't deserve the way he was treating her. It would make me ache clear down into my soul. I have never known anyone so selfless, kind hearted, loving and forgiving as my mother. The patience she showed throughout life's trials was more than amazing. I hope one day God has a special star for her crown that will let others know of her wonderful spirit here on earth.

I have spent many years now helping Mom because of her Alzheimer's and her severe diabetes. I go to see her as often as I can and we hug and laugh and tell each other how much we love each other and I cherish every second I have with her. One day they will end and I will look back with fond memories but will also look forward to spending eternity with her loving presence.

In the past few years Dad and I have grown so much closer and I have been so grateful for that. We have laughed and hugged, cried and shared things we have learned. We both enjoy the History Channel, Discovery Channel and anything that is of a learning nature. Sitting with him watching the kimodo dragons in their native habitat or watching the man who lives with bears and is accepted as one of the group, has all been wonderful to us. Recently when he became ill, I had taken him some food from the hospital cafe and he was so thrilled to have food with 'taste'. We sat across the hospital bed table from each other and toasted our little picnic that was free from ants. We reflected for only a second that we had gone through much in our days but that it was nice to be able to share these moments. And I held them dear to my heart for days knowing that they could end suddenly if his heart didn't mend.

I have been trying so hard to make notes for his doctor appointments, his lab tests, check on his prescriptions, fill his pill box and get the refills when they were due. I have cried and prayed for his well being, asking God to not take him from us anytime soon as we all need him here. With losing our youngest sister in January we three daughters would be too devastated to lose Mom or Dad any time soon.

But now that he is getting a bit stronger I am seeing the "old Dad", the one who is nasty, mean, cranky and abusive. The things he says about me in front of other people are too heartbreaking to think about. I cringe just knowing that others have heard what he has said. I've reached a point where I need to pull back, let him take care of himself and if he doesn't survive, I need to remember that I have done everything I can and that it truly ISN'T ME! I will keep him in my prayers and may God bless him always.