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Rochester, New York
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Rochester, New York
United States
Just type in the word and click on it!Riding the Rollercoaster Ride Called Caregiver
Ever wonder how a caregiver becomes one? You might be well on your way and not even realize it. The beginning can be very subtle. You will also be surprised at how your emotions change as time goes on. Your feelings towards the elderly people (in my case it is my parents) you are caring for as well as your feelings towards yourself are about to go on a doozie of a rollercoaster ride. There is a lot of talk about planning for retirement, planning for the twilight years. I feel that step one in that plan has to be to accept the fact that there is a real possibility that you will grow old…very old. If you can’t accept that, there is no point in moving to step two and so on.
And so it begins:
You’re over visiting and you notice your parent mowing the lawn or shoveling the driveway. You take over and finish the job. After all, you’re only in your 20’s at that point and have all the energy in the world. You are also shocked at people that don’t help their parents. What’s wrong with them? So you say to your parents “next time you need the lawn cut, driveway shoveled, give me a call”.
BINGO! You’ve started the process. You aren’t aware of it, they aren’t aware of it. But it has started.
Because they are your parents and you love them, the little requests are no big deal. Some even go unnoticed. Opening jars and emptying ice cube trays can be hard for anyone, not just for those with aging hands. Besides, you like to stop over at least one day a week anyway, so why not help out.
Then, gradually, you go over two days a week. Besides the lawn, the attic and basement need cleaning and while you’re up/down there the light bulbs blew and need to be changed and since you’re going to get the ladder anyway, why not check the gutters. Next time you stop over, could you pick up a few things from the store? They’ll start a list so you can stop by and grab it. They offer their car because it needs to be washed and the tank needs filling anyway. Somewhere during this transition from gardener to shopper and gas pumper, don’t be surprised if you hear the comment “I’ll never have my kids take care of me”. Remember that phrase because at some point when you hear it your reaction will be quite different but for now you nod your head and think the same thing about your own kids.
At some point, two days a week have now turned into three or four. Housecleaning and laundry have been added to the to-do list along with meal prep, doctor visits, prescription drop offs/pick ups, and my personal favorite, the I-left-my-cane-at-the-_____ could you go pick it up.
Have I mentioned at this time you are now married with kids of your own trying to maintain your own house and yard?
Your parents are appalled at their friends that “caved”. The ones that sold their houses and bought a ranch or condo. The ones that sold the ranch or condo to move into an apartment all on one level. The ones that moved out of that apartment into assisted living and the ones that left assisted living for a nursing home. Why would they have done that? What were they thinking? Don’t any of them know that they can stay in their homes until they die?
So now I’m 47. My parents are 87 and 89. Still in their house, still saying they won’t ever rely on their kids to take care of them.
I’m out in my yard cleaning up after the spring thaw and my 21 year old son comes out and says “do you want me to finish that up for you?”
I said “thank you so much for the offer, but no.”
I didn’t tell him this, but as much as my back was bothering me, I’m using this time alone to formulate “the plan”. I caught a glimpse of myself in the window and I can see that I’m growing old and I’ve accepted that.
Agingdiscoqueen says:
I sure hope nobody came away thinking I'm bitter or anything. I'm not. I think I'm more sad than anything. Sad that the two most vibrant people I've ever known have been reduced to ....... well maybe not reduced, but their world has become so small. The walls of the house and the t.v. (when they can figure out the new remote). I'm scared too. Is that MY future? Yikes! And I think my parents have become very sad. They won't admit it, but you can see it in that far-away look in their eyes. My father only talks about WWII/Pearl Harbor and my mother only talks about growing up in Kendall, NY. The only time they sort of snap out of it is when Wheel of Fortune is on. Imagine when the only excitement in you life is "buying a vowel".
Speaking of taking care of yourself, it's a must. I have cancelled 3 mammograms over the past several months to take my parents to various doctor appointments. Most are useless doctor appointments. Would you mind telling me why an 87 year old woman needs to see the a foot doctor 3 more times after a very successful hammer toe surgery that healed 6 months ago? Talk about follow-up over kill.
Thank God I do have help though, my sister. She's the best! But, she is 58, still works full-time and has kids and grandkids of her own.
Anyway fellow caregivers and former caregivers, take care of your health too!
And thank you all for your comments. I'm new here and I appreciate hearing from all of you.
Speaking of taking care of yourself, it's a must. I have cancelled 3 mammograms over the past several months to take my parents to various doctor appointments. Most are useless doctor appointments. Would you mind telling me why an 87 year old woman needs to see the a foot doctor 3 more times after a very successful hammer toe surgery that healed 6 months ago? Talk about follow-up over kill.
Thank God I do have help though, my sister. She's the best! But, she is 58, still works full-time and has kids and grandkids of her own.
Anyway fellow caregivers and former caregivers, take care of your health too!
And thank you all for your comments. I'm new here and I appreciate hearing from all of you.
Posted: April 21, 2008 10:48AM EDT
dustdemon says:
My situation was somewhat different, as my wife was left totally disabled by Guillian Barre Syndrome June 2000. I took care of her for 6 1/2 yrs till she passed away on 7/27/07, I suffered from constant backpain. Due to one fact my wife was my number one priority, I've talked to other people & there have been cases where the caregiver became sick, or came down with medical condition. The persons ignored their own health & some of them were left in worse shape than the person they were taking care of. I've even heard that some are now deceased, I was faced with so many challenges in taking care of her. GBS in case no one is familar with is a neurolgical disorder that destroys nerve endings, it completely destroyed my wife's nervous system. As I said the challenges were many, so I ignored my back problems. How many others here have ignored their health problems ?
Posted: April 20, 2008 10:23PM EDT
JeanM says:
My circumstanaces aren't exactly the same as I have two sisters to help out. Our mom is 98 and still lives alone, and takes care of herself, she thinks. Honestly, she does a good job but needs more help than she realizes, I think. Her mind is still quick and we all enjoy playing games with her. Right now it's Rummicub and dominoes. I play with her 4 times a week and I can see her getting slower and not as sharp as she was.
What I wanted to say is that here too, when we are there she adds little things to her list of things we should do. I truly don't know if she knows she does this or nor. My sisters and I are all in our 70s, needless to say there are many things we just can't do. She just mentions things, like the kitchen needs painting, the gutters need cleaning out, wonder if there is water in the basement and if so how will she get it out, etc. We ignore all this so after a dozen times she gives up.(smile). Sometime, she thinks maybe her grandchildren will come do this stuff for her and sometime they do. Like all of us, they have their own lives and problems.
I just moved to a 1 bedroom apt from my 5 bedroom house for all the reasons that we have been talking about. While I wanted to move and am settled in and like it here, I think I am getting resentful of her always wanting things done.Instead of thinking I will go visit mom and play games with her, I now think, oh, I have to go to mom's today. I feel better now and I think I will go see mom and play games with her. The other choice, that she isn't here to go see, is something I don't want to deal with either.
What I wanted to say is that here too, when we are there she adds little things to her list of things we should do. I truly don't know if she knows she does this or nor. My sisters and I are all in our 70s, needless to say there are many things we just can't do. She just mentions things, like the kitchen needs painting, the gutters need cleaning out, wonder if there is water in the basement and if so how will she get it out, etc. We ignore all this so after a dozen times she gives up.(smile). Sometime, she thinks maybe her grandchildren will come do this stuff for her and sometime they do. Like all of us, they have their own lives and problems.
I just moved to a 1 bedroom apt from my 5 bedroom house for all the reasons that we have been talking about. While I wanted to move and am settled in and like it here, I think I am getting resentful of her always wanting things done.Instead of thinking I will go visit mom and play games with her, I now think, oh, I have to go to mom's today. I feel better now and I think I will go see mom and play games with her. The other choice, that she isn't here to go see, is something I don't want to deal with either.
Posted: April 20, 2008 11:15AM EDT
Loracyag says:
Oh, my gosh! Discoqueen, you have summed caregiving up to a T-T-T! I never thought of it the way you described it but it is my life exactly! Moved in with my Mom 4 years ago. She's 85. My father passed 10 years ago. She never drove so I am her transport system along with maid, cook, etc.And as the years go on she thinks she can still do everything. I guess they don't even realize what's happening! The latest was to balance her checkbook for her. This one even surprised me, for she has always done that. She said she can't concentrate on it. Anyway, you sure struck a nerve! Thanks.
Posted: April 19, 2008 4:10PM EDT
lizard402007 says:
I know the feeling I helped my parents a lot of different times but now I can't for I too am 47 yrs old and have several back problems had to have sugery back in august my daughter and her family was living with us at the time she tried to get things done when she could considering she has 3 litte ones it is very frustrating for me now when I was the one doing the care giving . It used to be my job for I worked in assisted living,retirement homes also alzhiemer units and now I can't can get depressing at times for I thought I would be the one taking care of my parents when it really came time to do so considering that my sister and brothers seem to always have something more important to do and now I don't know what is going to happen now that my mother is by herself since dad passed away last year for now she is okay so the future is uncertain.
Posted: April 19, 2008 2:25PM EDT
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